poetry

it took me so long to realize 

that i wrote

and i wrote

not only trying to get you out 

from under my skin

but also because

some part of me

hoped

that if i wrote enough

i'd become poetry too

Entropy

I tried to be predictable, 

to have smooth edges

and even color.

I tried to be two dimensional,

to fit between his pages

so he could fill me in.

But it's not the natural order of things.

I was supernatural in his world.

I took up space 

and blurred everything.

I couldn't lay flat.

I was the kind of chaos 

that the whole universe was trending towards,

the inevitable disorganization of all things.

I was something he couldn't control.

I think he liked it a little.

There was a small thrill to disorder,

to a little color outside of the lines.

Like a siren's call

chaos beckons.

But by the light of day 

he could recognize how I unravelled him.

How I frayed his edges

and I was out of place.

I could never fit inside his lines.

Phantoms

'Do you ever just get scared of losing people you used to know? Because they know everything you used to be. The good and the bad. I've changed. I know I have and sometimes I worry about what I am now. Who am I? So when I look into their eyes I know I've fallen short of what they know and have come to expect from me. Just like they have, they've changed too and it's obvious. It makes me wonder whether or not change is so obvious on me. Like as obvious as when you get a drastically new haircut or change your style of clothes. Sometimes I think these friends who knew me when I changed every week deserve to know the me that I am now. The one that sort of knows what I'm doing and sort of knows what I want with my life. We deserve to know each other when we at least appear to have our lives together. But sometimes I worry that who I am and who they are just don't fit together anymore. That those versions of ourselves were the ones who really knew each other. That our past selves barely exist in us anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it would be kinder to let them go. There's some part of me that wants to hold on to them because they knew who I used to be and I am afraid of not being that person anymore. You know? Do you ever think about that?'

'No, I really haven't.'

'Yeah, neither have I.'

Believe You Me

The day has come and gone

And I've been awake for it all

As soon as eyes are closed

The year has flown by as well

In that time I've tried to decide

If time goes faster or slower 

Without someone at your side

And every time I come up empty handed

'Cause it really doesn't matter

It's all the same to me

An emotion that remains unspoken

My bones, they ache

I can't remember a time they didn't

My muscles, they're weak

Everyday they get worse

And my skin, it's worn

Slipping at the edges

Sometimes I just want a break

But I'll see the sunset tonight

And I'll watch the sunrise again

Magistra

When I grow up
I want to be a teacher.
Bathing in a thankless world
of God-awful early mornings
and late nights grading papers.
I want to impart knowledge
and inspire young minds.
I yearn for all this trouble
for the smallest of rewards.
I was born for this,
for the front of the classroom
and white boards and textbooks.
I can't imagine doing anything else.
When I grow up
I want to be happy.
But sometimes,
I get this funny feeling
that I can't,
that growing up
means forsaking happiness.
But I'll try.
Starting with my meager dream,
my life's work.
Because I heard once
that if you choose a job you love,
you'll never have to work a day
in your life.

Silly Notions

Yesterday I fell in love with an idea,
with possibility and potential
and the back window of a truck
plastered with stickers.
I fell in love with supposed similarity
and a shared interest displayed
by a stranger with a foreign license plate.
I lingered for a glance
of a face to accompany my interest.
A silly notion, really,
I had nothing to say -
I wouldn't.
I liked the idea,
the possibility and potential
of meeting a new face
in a parking lot.
Like the plot from a movie
or book or television,
I forgot - this is life
so, I turned my radio up
and I drove away
still heady with what could've been,
what you could've been.
It wouldn't have been fair
because you're more than an idea,
a possibility or potential.

apophenia

a smile shared
an inside joke declared
embraces and all sorts of places
barely a moment spent apart
i had hoped it wasn't just me
who saw the lines
who made crude connections between the dots
i had hoped that we were on the same page
like we've always been

but maybe a smile
is just a smile
and an inside joke
just gets stale each time it's said
maybe i'm just making things up inside my head
but i had hoped it was something we both understood
now i'm not so sure
if i'm seeing meaningful patterns
between meaningless occurrences

when you look back
i thought you might see
the lines tying you to me
i thought maybe you as well
were making crude connections between the dots
tell me you do this too
even if it seems like there's few
tell me that you know we're on the same page
like we've always been

because i've always been able to convince myself i'm wrong
and just this once i'd like to be right
maybe you feel the same way
and we're not so off the mark
so tell me, i'm not just making it all up in my head
that you understand just what i mean
and you've seen all the things i've seen
tell me, you see meaningful patterns
in what seems like meaningless occurrences

you must see them too
the constellations between me and you
you see how they light up the night
telling stories bold and bright

tell me that you see it,
our story written across the sky